Life Lesson #9, The Story

There has been a request for more information on LL#9 from the December 4th blog (http://threegoat.blogspot.com/2006/12/lessons-i-have-learned-in-life-pt-1.html). Now, even though the motive for asking is slightly suspect (Do I want to pollute the stream of sibling tranquility?) I will oblige the request. So read on at your risk, I make no apologies for the content which is to follow.

When SomeGoat and I were younger (in the days before OtherGoat) our Grandparents, on the Goat side, had a small grocery in a small town. The store held many wonders to the two of us; The snow balls made from scraping the sides of the top-up freezer, the cavernous walk in meat freezer complete with hanging sides of beef, and the wall of candy behind the front counter. To a kid this was the first wonder of the small world we inhabited. The usual custodian of this magical mecca was my grandmother, who would dole out the tooth rotting treasures upon request, "Yes, yes, I think I will will take the Chinese Fortune stick of gum, again".

On one occasion, however, SomeGoat and our older cousin were behind the counter. Now, this was not a strange thing, my cousin would frequently help out at the store, but the fact that my brother was back there also, (and both with sheep eating grins spread across their faces) should have sent my little voice into a mind shrieking panic. The problem was, of course, that my little voice didn't learn to speak until much, much later in life.

"Don't you want a candy bar?" my cousin said.

"No, I really just want the Confucius Say gum" I replied, my resolve still strong. What nugget of wisdom would that long dead round Chinese man bestow upon me in in a stick of gum this time?

SomeGoat, not willing to miss an opportunity, joined in, "Try it, You'll like it". Our methods of persuasion were strongly influenced by cereal commercials.

"No, no, the gum, I want the gum", it was irrelevant that the flavor lasted all of five seconds, it was a good five seconds and I needed guidance.

"C'mon", was their response, to which I had no further recourse. The path of the fat man would have to wait, this was, after all, a chocolate bar, and they really wanted me to eat it. What's the worst that could happen?

"You have anything to add Little Voice", nothing, "then lets eat!"

The bar was nothing special, no nuts, no creamy caramel center, and it had a slightly bitter taste, but I ate the whole thing. It did not take long for the rumbling to start. I should probably take this time to explain the state of my six year old stomach at this point in the day.

We were staying with my other Grandmother who was an incredible cook. She could make a bowl of oatmeal that would have made King George sign the Declaration of Independence. Now, when I say bowl of oatmeal, what I really mean is a bowl full of sweet melted butter with a clump of oatmeal bobbing near the surface. This, and only this, is what was sharing space with the bar of Ex-Lax in my diminutive stomach. To be honest, they weren't doing a good job of sharing, as a matter of fact, they were having a vicious battle to be the first to leave. You can't hardly blame the oatmeal, he was down there chillin' out when that bastard Ex-Lax drops in, unexpectedly, and starts screaming at the top of his foul breathed lungs, "EVERYBODY OUT, OUT OF THE POOL! HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU LARD-O!!"

The battle raged on, and off, and on again, and off again, and on again for about six and a half hours, which in food years is about one-hundred and seventy-three years. By the ripe age of six I had already learned that the appropriate retaliation was, of course, to tattle. Between regular correspondence from the front I told my Dad what SomeGoat had done, wrong parent, I left him, tears of laughter streaming from his eyes, to return to the fracas. Finally a tap on the door, it was Mom, I knew she would take care of this, but I knew I was on my own when I heard the slight hint of a muffled snicker as she made her retreat.

The shame of the story is that it is mostly not true, but far more interesting when embellished. Fortunately I had learned LL#1 and LL#2 before this incident, quite frankly, I think they were the first things I learned in life. The fact that I walk this earth today is a testament to that. So that you can separate the fact from the fiction in this tale I will say that it really is all true except for me giving in to the candy bar.

...and if memory serves, Confucius say, "He who laughs last, laughs the loudest".